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Peter Pan Lyric Theatre

Jamie’s big idea

By Squinter

ALL the news from the beating heart of Ulster loyalism. Camp Twaddell’s latest Twitter news as the battle for civil rights continues…


– Jamie dropping by this afternoon to discuss his idea for a GAA boycott. Frankly, Big Geordie’s worried about the Guinness implications.

– Never mind Black Friday, what about Black Saturday? Who the hell said 10,000 loyalists and 50 bands? More people at TUV conference.

– All very well Winky saying he was let down – we’ve 1,000 cartons of Capri-Sun and 50 boxes of pickled onion Monster Munch sitting here unsold

– On the upside, Big Geordie got a rapturous reception when he arrived at City Hall (right). The true spirit of Christmas.

– Sadie in tears watching protest on the news. She’s texted Winky to say she’s making a new banner: ‘The Loyalist People Don’t Give a Ballix!’

– Steady stream of arty types turning up today. Turns out they think the caravan is a Turner Prize installation. A few of the bastards clapped.

– You can tell Arlene Foster from us that the protest critics aren’t as disappointed as its supporters! 10,000 Lundys stayed in bed.

– Caravan packed last night for a briefing by Billy Hutchinson on his fabled cunning plan. Bastard didn’t turn up. Winky just shrugged.

– Contrary to rumours, sum raised at City Hall collection on Saturday was not 14 quid. Ulster Bank glitch means the final count was delayed for a bit…

– fact, the caravan coffers have swollen by £28.42. And there are some Euros and Zlotys we haven’t got round to counting yet.

– Lily got The Best Christmas Album in the World – Ever! in Poundtown. Sadie has pointed out it’s got Mary’s Boy Child on it. Awkward.

– Now Big Geordie’s saying I Believe in Father Christmas by Greg Lake frightens him a wee bit. We’ve told him it’s not scary, just a bit weird.

– Now we’re told the guy who does A Spaceman Came Travelling is not in fact an Anglo-Norman, but from the Free State. This is getting just silly.

– Mark H Durkan called; wants to make the caravan a listed building. When he starts saying Aitch and not Haitch we might listen.

– Putting a figure of Carson on top of the Christmas tree. ‘Lower him down gently,’ Big Geordie said. ‘He didn’t like that kind of thing.’

– Big Geordie’s shih-tzu, Ruth, let one go during two-minute silence for first anniversary of flag coming down. Gagging noises kind of ruined it.

– Only two flaggers outside City Hall Christmas market at the moment. Others had to go home suffering from impala burger-smoke inhalation.


Next week: ’Tis the season to be jolly @camptwaddell

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