Jamie’s big idea

By Squinter

ALL the news from the beating heart of Ulster loyalism. Camp Twaddell’s latest Twitter news as the battle for civil rights continues…


– Jamie dropping by this afternoon to discuss his idea for a GAA boycott. Frankly, Big Geordie’s worried about the Guinness implications.

– Never mind Black Friday, what about Black Saturday? Who the hell said 10,000 loyalists and 50 bands? More people at TUV conference.

– All very well Winky saying he was let down – we’ve 1,000 cartons of Capri-Sun and 50 boxes of pickled onion Monster Munch sitting here unsold

– On the upside, Big Geordie got a rapturous reception when he arrived at City Hall (right). The true spirit of Christmas.

– Sadie in tears watching protest on the news. She’s texted Winky to say she’s making a new banner: ‘The Loyalist People Don’t Give a Ballix!’

– Steady stream of arty types turning up today. Turns out they think the caravan is a Turner Prize installation. A few of the bastards clapped.

– You can tell Arlene Foster from us that the protest critics aren’t as disappointed as its supporters! 10,000 Lundys stayed in bed.

– Caravan packed last night for a briefing by Billy Hutchinson on his fabled cunning plan. Bastard didn’t turn up. Winky just shrugged.

– Contrary to rumours, sum raised at City Hall collection on Saturday was not 14 quid. Ulster Bank glitch means the final count was delayed for a bit…

– ..in fact, the caravan coffers have swollen by £28.42. And there are some Euros and Zlotys we haven’t got round to counting yet.

– Lily got The Best Christmas Album in the World – Ever! in Poundtown. Sadie has pointed out it’s got Mary’s Boy Child on it. Awkward.

– Now Big Geordie’s saying I Believe in Father Christmas by Greg Lake frightens him a wee bit. We’ve told him it’s not scary, just a bit weird.

– Now we’re told the guy who does A Spaceman Came Travelling is not in fact an Anglo-Norman, but from the Free State. This is getting just silly.

– Mark H Durkan called; wants to make the caravan a listed building. When he starts saying Aitch and not Haitch we might listen.

– Putting a figure of Carson on top of the Christmas tree. ‘Lower him down gently,’ Big Geordie said. ‘He didn’t like that kind of thing.’

– Big Geordie’s shih-tzu, Ruth, let one go during two-minute silence for first anniversary of flag coming down. Gagging noises kind of ruined it.

– Only two flaggers outside City Hall Christmas market at the moment. Others had to go home suffering from impala burger-smoke inhalation.


Next week: ’Tis the season to be jolly @camptwaddell

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